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WestCoastJoe
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http://www.cfl.ca/article/holiday-seaso ... -cfl-stars
Holiday Season: Santa trades reindeer for CFL stars

Posted: December 23, 2014 10:42 AM

Updated: December 23, 2014 11:07 AM

Don Landry
CFL.ca

This holiday season, Santa will be replacing each and every one of his reindeer with a CFL player. The following timeline illustrates just exactly how this will be done.

12:03 am, Eastern Time: Santa and his reindeer land on the roof of the Montreal Alouettes' practice facility. Once inside, Santa swaps his hat for one of those way cool Alouettes' signature uniform helmets. He decides that "Bear Woods is a great name for a reindeer" and that Woods' seven sacks in 2014 would make him a natural choice to replace Blitzen. They leave nothing for coach Tom Higgins, since he already got Jonathan Crompton back in August.

12:49 am, ET: Santa arrives in Ottawa with a plan already in place. Knowing the incredible strain Christmas deliveries can force on him, he chooses offensive lineman Jon Gott to join the team, harnessing him up in place of Donner. With that beard, Santa thinks, Gott can easily replace him for short stretches, just to keep him fresh. It's an idea he got from Jon Cornish. They depart Ottawa, stopping quickly at 24 Sussex Drive to leave the Prime Minister the pair of noise-cancelling headphones he said he wanted for caucus meetings.

1:08 am, ET: Landing in Toronto, the team creeps warily down the hall of the Argonauts' training facility, hoping they have the right address. They can hear the echoing strains of Bing Crosby singing "Mele Kalikimaka." As they round a corner the music gets much louder, and they see a shirtless Chad Owens doing bench presses using a twelve-foot spruce tree, ornaments falling off with every rep. After much cajoling, Santa agrees to sit on Owens' back as the receiver does a hundred push-ups. Saint Nick asks Owens to replace Prancer, which he does, although when they take off, Owens is hanging from one of the sleigh's runners, doing pull-ups.

1:54 am, ET: A beaming Simoni Lawrence greets the team as they arrive in Hamilton. Lawrence is hard at work, meticulously spray-painting every single piece in his Jenga game gold. In fact, everything in the room has been spray-painted gold. With two shakes of the can, Lawrence gets to work on Santa's boots. Santa has always liked Simoni's style and tells him he can choose any reindeer he'd like to replace. Lawrence chooses Cupid since he's always been one to 'spread the love, babe, spread the love.'

2:37 am, Central Time: As they touch down in Winnipeg, Santa is worried that this year's deliveries are getting a little behind schedule. He decides he can make up the difference by replacing Comet with Clarence Denmark. Not only will Denmark's speed be a plus, but Santa will be able to stay in the sleigh and fire parcels down from the roof, with nary a drop, he figures. Besides, "It's a Wonderful Life" is Santa's favourite Christmas movie, and having Denmark on the team will allow him to go all Jimmy Stewart and bellow "atta boy, Clarence," in context, something he's always wanted to do. Misunderstanding Mike O'Shea's letter asking for "Paris Cotton to have a breakout year," Santa leaves the coach a pair of thousand-thread-count cargo shorts from a French clothing manufacturer.

2:59 am, CT: The team makes Regina a little ahead of time and Santa decides to surprise John Chick. Sneaking up behind the defensive lineman, the jolly old elf barely gets two of his traditional three 'ho's' out before Chick wheels, accelerates and plants his head in Santa's chest, driving him back to the sleigh and into one of the toy bags. That's right, Chick literally sacks Santa Claus. It is a mistake to surprise John Chick. Replacing Dancer, Chick insists it is appropriate because he feels he's always been "supremely underrated on the floor." The team wastes a huge amount of time flying over Saskatchewan looking for Dog River. Exasperated, they decide to abort and make a plan to leave 497 DVD copies of 'Corner Gas - The Movie' in Ed Hervey's garage.

3:11 am, Mountain Time: The Edmonton practice facility is empty, save for one solitary figure, sitting in the dark as 2014 game film images flicker on the wall. It is head coach Chris Jones, who is furiously scratching out notes as he watches. "Santa," Jones says, "I only want one thing for Christmas this year. Tell me the secret to beating Calgary." Santa slowly shakes his head and says "That one's on you, coach. I've lost six straight Boxing Day Classics to Hufnagel." Saint Nick gives the coach a pair of Peter Fonda “Easy Rider” sunglasses and replaces Rudolph with Mike Reilly. "Rudolph's always been a bit of a suck," says Santa to Reilly. "I need someone who can get out there even with a bad hoof. Reilly, with your will to fight, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

4:10 am, MT: Touching down in Calgary, Santa tells Gott to take over for the next hour and finish Alberta. Meantime, Mr. Kringle takes some down time with Nik Lewis. The two kick back, guzzle egg nog from the Grey Cup and laugh over Lewis' ability to be on both the 'nice' and 'naughty' lists at the same time. Lewis wins Santa's nickname 'Saint Nick' in a game of Battleship, while Santa wins Lewis' nickname 'Nikelo Dymes' in a game of Golden Jenga. When it comes time for Lewis to take over for Vixen, the veteran receiver pulls a savvy move, convincing Santa to let him ride in the sleigh while Quick Six, the Stampeders' touchdown horse, pulls his weight.

4:46 am, Pacific Time: The team is a little behind again after the guys convince Santa to detour to Vegas for some fun. It works out well as Saint Nick - um, Nikelo Dymes - hadn't planned for Jeff Tedford's new address and had left his gifts in another load back at the pole. So, the coach gets a program from a Britney Spears show and a snow-globe with a miniature Bellagio fountain in it. "My dream team is almost complete," chortles a satisfied Santa, who only needs to replace Dasher. He knows just who fits the bill and, bonus, he's a ratio buster! Andrew Harris rounds out the team, leaving Solomon Elimimian a little sour. Can't blame him as he's used to being chosen for just about everything lately.

With that, Santa's CFL rounds were complete. He and his all-star reindeer were off to spread the joy of the season to the rest of the planet.

And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight; "For the love of the Baby Jesus, Owens, enough with the chin-ups!"
John Madden's Team Policies: Be on time. Pay attention. Play like hell on game day.

Jimmy Johnson's Game Keys: Protect the ball. Make plays.

Walter Payton's Advice to Kids: Play hard. Play fair. Have fun.
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WestCoastJoe
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While checking cfl.ca, I saw this picture, and it got me to pondering ...
John Madden's Team Policies: Be on time. Pay attention. Play like hell on game day.

Jimmy Johnson's Game Keys: Protect the ball. Make plays.

Walter Payton's Advice to Kids: Play hard. Play fair. Have fun.
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WestCoastJoe
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This particular helmet style looks pretty much like a watermelon head. :wink:
John Madden's Team Policies: Be on time. Pay attention. Play like hell on game day.

Jimmy Johnson's Game Keys: Protect the ball. Make plays.

Walter Payton's Advice to Kids: Play hard. Play fair. Have fun.
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